I've decided that as a form of self therapy that I would turn this blog into a journal of the process of starting over after such a long term relationship ends. It's really is strange to be single again after so long and it's going to take a lot of getting used to. So here we go....
It's been almost one month since the break up and my last post. A lot of things have happened since then, both in the physical and mental sense. I found an apartment and moved in after two weeks of sleeping in the second bedroom our old apartment, which Matt is keeping. It only took one weekend to find the place, one Saturday afternoon going through Craig's List and a Sunday morning of looking at places. Five apartments in four hours yielded a great one bedroom a block over from my old place. I still wanted to be close to where Matt and I were living as we still are very good friends and we share custody of Stinky. (Well, that was really strange to type out.) In fact Matt helped me by viewing the apartments with me and helping me make the final choice. Thanks to a couple of friends I have a fairly furnished apartment that feels "homey", as per Matt. I still have small things to do, such as finding the right art to put up.
What is really strange is that this will be the first time that I will be living by myself in almost 18 years. I've always had a roommate or a significant other since I moved to New York in '92 with only a brief period of six months in '95 in between roommates, I've never really been alone. I now have the chance to decorate the way I want to, leave things about if I feel like it without anyone else to say something about it. This in itself is very liberating and very scary at the same time. It will also be the first time that I will have to live with myself and just myself. Will I even like me? I guess Matt isn't the only one that needs to find himself.
Being as old as I am one would think that I should know who I am, but I don't. Being a serial monogamist and not having a lot of time in between relationships it's very easy to loose oneself in the relationships. Being who I am, I tend to conform to who my partner at the time is. I adopt their tastes, their interests, their way of thinking to the detriment of my own personality. It was only in the last two years of Matt and my relationship that my own self started to come back. So maybe this breakup is going to be a good thing for both Matt and I. I will finally get a chance to be me and the only thing that could stop that is me.
In my first serious relationship-which was about 15 years or so-I had done the same thing. Shifted gears, reorganized priorities, lost myself-and my art (I did nothing for 10 years of that relationship, no art at all.) until the last two years. I had had enough of the void within me, and fought my way back to the path of finding myself again.
ReplyDeleteThere is always more than one thing that ends up becoming the catalyst to any large event between two people-but the fact that who I was becoming was not who I had been shifted everything between myself and my spouse.
In the end-I was left with a two bedroom apartment in another state completely. A job that could kill me at any given moment, one person that I knew well enough to call a friend...a lawn chair, my computer, a box to put it on, box springs and a mattress, a playstation and a TV with a DVD player I had found on the side of the road.
Eight months of this, coupled with the lack of food, the lack of electricity, the phone, and hot water (all my money went to rent, and support)...and I was looking at a very deep hole with no way to claw my way to the light. Figuratively, spiritually, emotionally, mentally.
I was a lucky soul to find a light in the midst of all of that-one I still hold onto and cherish.
It is always unexpected when the clouds part and a ray of hope, friendship, or something deeper suddenly is placed in your hands.
Unexpected, yet still poignant, and precious.
You will find your way, you will find yourself again, and I know that you will-in the end-be alright.
Dar
Thanks Dar for some great words of inspiration. I know I will be fine in the end of all this. It will just take some time to get used to being alone.
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