To Date Or Not To Date

So one month later, new apartment, newly single, new life...so when or better yet should I be dating.

That's the question that I have been struggling with for the past two weeks. In my head I know that I really should wait. Give myself time to heal and time to gain a better perspective of who I am after the end of my relationship with Matt. As I said in my last post, this really is the first time in 18 years that I will be by myself and to tell you the truth I am fucking scared to death! Even growing up I have been constantly surrounded by people. Growing up in a Filipino household there was very little privacy. I had my first long term relationship at 19 and was living with him by the time I was 21, which lasted until I was 27 and then I moved to New York. Eighteen years in NYC with either a roommate or a live in boyfriend/partner. Now here I am 45 years old and for the first time in my life I will be alone in my own space, and that fact scares me shitless.

Why am I scared? Because my greatest fear in life is to grow old by myself. I have this recurring nightmare of me in a one room apartment grey haired and toothless and alone. Totally alone. I think that many gay men share this fear. We try to build our own families when our natural ones abandon us, or even when they don't, so that we won't be alone as we grow older. For me this fear is really hitting home since I just turned 45 and I'm getting closer to my nightmare. I know logically that that will not happen to me. I have a very loving and supportive family and a wonderful circle of friends that will always be there for me. As proven by all of the love and support they have all shown me during this rough period. But it is still in the back of my head, what if.

So that brings me back to my original question, when or should I be dating. Head says wait, heart says heal first, little head says be a slut . I know the answer is that I should wait and just be by myself for a bit. Get over the hurt. Because as much as Matt and I are still friends and as much as I am handling this in as a adult a manner as possible, he still really hurt me by ending it. That realization is finally getting through the numbness of the past month. I'm starting to finally feel the ache in my chest when I turn around wanting to tell him something and he's not there. Or when he tells me of the people he's meeting when he goes out. I'm finally feeling anger at his ability to bounce back so fast and move on to new "experiences". Wondering if I really meant anything to him in the last few years of our relationship.

Writing that last bit really hit home to me the fact that I am not ready to date. It wouldn't be fair to me or whomever I would be dating to bring that type of baggage with me. It also said to me that that I'm not in the same place I was when I was in a similar position before I met Matt. Back then I wouldn't have even thought about any of this. Back then I dove right back in and dated a lot of different guys trying to fill the hole that was left behind. I think this time I'm going to listen to my head and my heart and wait.

Starting Over

I've decided that as a form of self therapy that I would turn this blog into a journal of the process of starting over after such a long term relationship ends. It's really is strange to be single again after so long and it's going to take a lot of getting used to. So here we go....

It's been almost one month since the break up and my last post. A lot of things have happened since then, both in the physical and mental sense. I found an apartment and moved in after two weeks of sleeping in the second bedroom our old apartment, which Matt is keeping. It only took one weekend to find the place, one Saturday afternoon going through Craig's List and a Sunday morning of looking at places. Five apartments in four hours yielded a great one bedroom a block over from my old place. I still wanted to be close to where Matt and I were living as we still are very good friends and we share custody of Stinky. (Well, that was really strange to type out.) In fact Matt helped me by viewing the apartments with me and helping me make the final choice. Thanks to a couple of friends I have a fairly furnished apartment that feels "homey", as per Matt. I still have small things to do, such as finding the right art to put up.

What is really strange is that this will be the first time that I will be living by myself in almost 18 years. I've always had a roommate or a significant other since I moved to New York in '92 with only a brief period of six months in '95 in between roommates, I've never really been alone. I now have the chance to decorate the way I want to, leave things about if I feel like it without anyone else to say something about it. This in itself is very liberating and very scary at the same time. It will also be the first time that I will have to live with myself and just myself. Will I even like me? I guess Matt isn't the only one that needs to find himself.

Being as old as I am one would think that I should know who I am, but I don't. Being a serial monogamist and not having a lot of time in between relationships it's very easy to loose oneself in the relationships. Being who I am, I tend to conform to who my partner at the time is. I adopt their tastes, their interests, their way of thinking to the detriment of my own personality. It was only in the last two years of Matt and my relationship that my own self started to come back. So maybe this breakup is going to be a good thing for both Matt and I. I will finally get a chance to be me and the only thing that could stop that is me.

All Good Things Must Come To An End

With little drama and lots of tears, my marriage of 10 years ended last night.

I can't say that I didn't see it coming as we have not been "in sync" for the past year, but it is still a very hard pill to swallow. I still love him very much and am still very much willing to try to work out our problems, but when the problems really don't have to do with the actual relationship but with the growth (or lack there of) of an individual, there is nothing really to work out.

Matt and I met 10 years ago this past February. We have been basically been in each others company everyday for those 10 years, with the exception of business trips. He was 23 and I was 34. He had just moved to New York from Ohio where he grew up and went to school. As the story with most gay men growing up in a smaller, almost rural city, he's had to basically raise himself, so he was very mature for his age. I was and still am, a big kid at heart. Good match, I thought, it didn't hurt that I thought he was really cute to. In the end though this was the problem.

Matt hadn't had the chance to find himself yet. He was always responsible, he still very much is, he always had to be an adult. He never really had a chance to be a teenager or had a chance to live through his wild 20's. Instead he met me right out of college, within the first year of moving to the big city to start his career as a designer. Now that fact comes back and is the unsolvable problem with our marriage. There really is nothing I can say or do that will change the fact that Matt needs to find out who Matt is and being in this relationship he won't be able to do that. He needs to be alone as an adult to be able to find the kid in himself. As I still very much love him, I can not in all good conscience hold him back from that. That old saying "If you love someone let him go." certainly holds true in this situation. I need to let go and say goodbye to not only my partner, the love of my life, but also my best friend.

I'm still numb. I still can't believe that this part of my life is coming to an end. I can't write anything anymore at the moment. I'm still trying to digest everything.

All good things must come to an end.

Ginger Love

Listening To

An acquaintance turned me on to this podcast jeffmix. If you haven't listened, you should. He's got some of the best of the newest music out there. Will you like every song, probably not, but you will hear some that you just can't help but tap your foot to. Great work music, just be forewarned that you might start desk dancing.....

Todd Selby

He's just so cute.

Hope yet for our future

Found this through the noH8 FB page. These kids give me some hope for our future. They fought hate and intolerance with song, unity and peace. It never ceases to amaze me that this cult of hate calls it self a Christian church.

He Kissed a Boy

Got this from queerty.com, and for some reason, liked it. Am I loosing it?

Malibu

Seeing all of the posters all over town for the upcoming Hole concert really made take a listen to them again.  I had forgotten how much I loved listening to them. 

Today's Mood

Cold, rainy, overcast and windy in NYC makes me feel....

Aspirational

Cross posted from Shaun Barneveld's blog Trimmed with Gold Above. there is something aspirational about the mood in this.

Baldwin Denim Mens Short from Baldwin on Vimeo.

Amazing

These are just two examples of an amazing photographer that I came across on flickr. His name is Brice Hardelin and I just can't stop looking at his work.

Simply Chic

I haven't been a fan of Marc Jacobs for the past four seasons. No big news for people that know me. That all changed with the latest Louis Vuitton show in Paris. The presentation was a return to the Marc Jacobs that I love. The collection was well thought out, extremely well executed and all about beautiful clothes. It was so modern in it's nod to the past. From the unexpected mix of fabrics to the wonderfully flattering shapes, Mr. Jacob's offering for Vuitton is by far my favorite show of the season.

Desire

Inspired

Favroite quote from favorite proffesor in school:

This needs to be said, loudly sometimes, for people to think about:

If your old enough to remember it, your too old to wear it.

R.I.P. Alexander McQueen

I don't Know how I feel about this.

I don't know how I feel about this video look book for Hyun Yeu' sp '10 collection. While i admire his mission statement for the collection:

"The label vision manifests itself in elegant, high-quality menswear with innovative shapes and fabrics. ‘ADO LES SCENTS’ aims for a young-minded crowd. These men are not afraid to stand out and show their vulnerable side."

I just don't think that that literal of a youth look is workable for most men today.

Current Inspirations

Heading back to NYC

Sitting in the biz lounge at the HK airport right by my gate for my flight back to NYC. The security is insane now for any US bound flight. They have a separate secondary screening just to get into the gate area.

Favorites From Paris Fall 2010 Men's Shows

Hermes

Juyna Watanabe

Lanvin

Yves Saint Laurent