So one month later, new apartment, newly single, new life...so when or better yet should I be dating.
That's the question that I have been struggling with for the past two weeks. In my head I know that I really should wait. Give myself time to heal and time to gain a better perspective of who I am after the end of my relationship with Matt. As I said in my last post, this really is the first time in 18 years that I will be by myself and to tell you the truth I am fucking scared to death! Even growing up I have been constantly surrounded by people. Growing up in a Filipino household there was very little privacy. I had my first long term relationship at 19 and was living with him by the time I was 21, which lasted until I was 27 and then I moved to New York. Eighteen years in NYC with either a roommate or a live in boyfriend/partner. Now here I am 45 years old and for the first time in my life I will be alone in my own space, and that fact scares me shitless.
Why am I scared? Because my greatest fear in life is to grow old by myself. I have this recurring nightmare of me in a one room apartment grey haired and toothless and alone. Totally alone. I think that many gay men share this fear. We try to build our own families when our natural ones abandon us, or even when they don't, so that we won't be alone as we grow older. For me this fear is really hitting home since I just turned 45 and I'm getting closer to my nightmare. I know logically that that will not happen to me. I have a very loving and supportive family and a wonderful circle of friends that will always be there for me. As proven by all of the love and support they have all shown me during this rough period. But it is still in the back of my head, what if.
So that brings me back to my original question, when or should I be dating. Head says wait, heart says heal first, little head says be a slut . I know the answer is that I should wait and just be by myself for a bit. Get over the hurt. Because as much as Matt and I are still friends and as much as I am handling this in as a adult a manner as possible, he still really hurt me by ending it. That realization is finally getting through the numbness of the past month. I'm starting to finally feel the ache in my chest when I turn around wanting to tell him something and he's not there. Or when he tells me of the people he's meeting when he goes out. I'm finally feeling anger at his ability to bounce back so fast and move on to new "experiences". Wondering if I really meant anything to him in the last few years of our relationship.
Writing that last bit really hit home to me the fact that I am not ready to date. It wouldn't be fair to me or whomever I would be dating to bring that type of baggage with me. It also said to me that that I'm not in the same place I was when I was in a similar position before I met Matt. Back then I wouldn't have even thought about any of this. Back then I dove right back in and dated a lot of different guys trying to fill the hole that was left behind. I think this time I'm going to listen to my head and my heart and wait.
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Starting Over
I've decided that as a form of self therapy that I would turn this blog into a journal of the process of starting over after such a long term relationship ends. It's really is strange to be single again after so long and it's going to take a lot of getting used to. So here we go....
It's been almost one month since the break up and my last post. A lot of things have happened since then, both in the physical and mental sense. I found an apartment and moved in after two weeks of sleeping in the second bedroom our old apartment, which Matt is keeping. It only took one weekend to find the place, one Saturday afternoon going through Craig's List and a Sunday morning of looking at places. Five apartments in four hours yielded a great one bedroom a block over from my old place. I still wanted to be close to where Matt and I were living as we still are very good friends and we share custody of Stinky. (Well, that was really strange to type out.) In fact Matt helped me by viewing the apartments with me and helping me make the final choice. Thanks to a couple of friends I have a fairly furnished apartment that feels "homey", as per Matt. I still have small things to do, such as finding the right art to put up.
What is really strange is that this will be the first time that I will be living by myself in almost 18 years. I've always had a roommate or a significant other since I moved to New York in '92 with only a brief period of six months in '95 in between roommates, I've never really been alone. I now have the chance to decorate the way I want to, leave things about if I feel like it without anyone else to say something about it. This in itself is very liberating and very scary at the same time. It will also be the first time that I will have to live with myself and just myself. Will I even like me? I guess Matt isn't the only one that needs to find himself.
Being as old as I am one would think that I should know who I am, but I don't. Being a serial monogamist and not having a lot of time in between relationships it's very easy to loose oneself in the relationships. Being who I am, I tend to conform to who my partner at the time is. I adopt their tastes, their interests, their way of thinking to the detriment of my own personality. It was only in the last two years of Matt and my relationship that my own self started to come back. So maybe this breakup is going to be a good thing for both Matt and I. I will finally get a chance to be me and the only thing that could stop that is me.
It's been almost one month since the break up and my last post. A lot of things have happened since then, both in the physical and mental sense. I found an apartment and moved in after two weeks of sleeping in the second bedroom our old apartment, which Matt is keeping. It only took one weekend to find the place, one Saturday afternoon going through Craig's List and a Sunday morning of looking at places. Five apartments in four hours yielded a great one bedroom a block over from my old place. I still wanted to be close to where Matt and I were living as we still are very good friends and we share custody of Stinky. (Well, that was really strange to type out.) In fact Matt helped me by viewing the apartments with me and helping me make the final choice. Thanks to a couple of friends I have a fairly furnished apartment that feels "homey", as per Matt. I still have small things to do, such as finding the right art to put up.
What is really strange is that this will be the first time that I will be living by myself in almost 18 years. I've always had a roommate or a significant other since I moved to New York in '92 with only a brief period of six months in '95 in between roommates, I've never really been alone. I now have the chance to decorate the way I want to, leave things about if I feel like it without anyone else to say something about it. This in itself is very liberating and very scary at the same time. It will also be the first time that I will have to live with myself and just myself. Will I even like me? I guess Matt isn't the only one that needs to find himself.
Being as old as I am one would think that I should know who I am, but I don't. Being a serial monogamist and not having a lot of time in between relationships it's very easy to loose oneself in the relationships. Being who I am, I tend to conform to who my partner at the time is. I adopt their tastes, their interests, their way of thinking to the detriment of my own personality. It was only in the last two years of Matt and my relationship that my own self started to come back. So maybe this breakup is going to be a good thing for both Matt and I. I will finally get a chance to be me and the only thing that could stop that is me.
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